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27.3.10

I just wanted to quickly share a quote or two from a book I'm reading currently: Boundaries.  Just to give you a glimpse of what the book is about a subtitle is "When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life."  Now I know that sounds a litte harsh and silly. (Or at least it did to me at first.) However, the advice in the book is very sound and I would recommend it to anyone. 

Last night I ran over a passage as follows:

Hatching: "Mommy and Me Aren't the Same"
   "'It's not fair,' a mother of a five-month-old boy told me. 'We had four months of bliss and closeness. I loved Eric's helplessness, his dependency. He needed me, and I was enough for him.'
        'All of a sudden it changed. He got- I don't know how to say it-more        restless, wigglier. He didn't always want me to hold him. He became more interested in other people, even in brightly colored toys, than me!
     'I'm beginning to get the picture,' the woman concluded. 'He needed me for four months. Now motherhood is spending the next seventeen and half years letting him leave me!'
     In many ways, this mother got the picture. The first five to ten months of life mark a major shift in infants: from 'Mommy and me are the same' to 'Mommy and me aren't the same.' During this period, babies begin moving out of their passive union with Mother into an active interest in the outside world. They become aware that there's a big, exciting world out there-and they want a piece of the action!
     This period is called 'hatching' or 'differentiation' by child researchers. It's a time of exploration, of touching, of tasting and feeling new things. Though children in this phase are still dependent on Mother, they aren't wrapped up in closeness with her. The months of nurturing have paid off- the child feels safe enoughto start taking risks. Watch crawlers in full tilt. They don't want to miss out. This is a geographical boundary in motion- away from Mother.
    my favorite part: Look into the eyes of a baby in the 'hatching' phase. You can see Adam's wide-eyed wonder at the flora, fauna, and majesty of the earth created for him by the Lord. You can see the desire to discover..." 
This book talks a lot about people that don't know how to say "no" to someone.  Which I think is typical for most people.  I think most people are pleasers and want to do there best to make the next person happy- so they say yes to favors... Here is a passage that gets you thinking:

" This type of boundary problem (the inability to say  no) paralyzes people's no muscles. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reason.
  • Fear of hurting the other persons feelings
  • Fear of abandonment and separateness
  • A wish to be totally dependent on another
  • Fear of someone else's anger
  • Fear of punishment
  • Fear of being shamed
  • Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
  • Fear of being unspiritual
  • Fear of one's overstrict, critical conscience
..."
Does this sound all too familiar?   Remember that it is okay to be nice and do a favor for people... but don't overburden yourself and feel like you have to do everything.

1 comment:

Heidi said...

I love this book! I think everyone could use a little guidance with boundaries :) Jake and I have been reading it and it has helped us both individually so much. I am so glad you are reading it too.

p.s. I love your photo slideshow on your sidebar!